Lord Voldemort and the Evil Wheel of Doom!
by When-turtles-strike-back
Summary: The Dark Lord's eternal struggle against speech impediments and coming up with new and exciting ways to torture his "noble" Death eaters. His life would be so fullfilling if it wasn't for that damn ever growing grass! A Oneshot.


A/N: I wrote this after painting our basement floor, so blame this on my close proximity to very potent paint fumes.

A/N2: this is actually a repost of a previous oneshot, I just tried to tidy it up a bit also I fleshed it out a bit more... I don't know.

Dedicated to my mom: Cause she bought the paint

Disclaimer: You know the drill, own nothing, have nothing, but I want it all.

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I Name Thee Gizmo!

Lord Voldemort peered out through his bedroom window, the grass was growing twice as fast as it had been two weeks ago, and it was blasphemous. Wormtail would be punished for this. Of course the fat rat man had done nothing to cause this sudden burst of grass growage, but Wormtail was always punished for all of the Dark Lords calamities.

"WORMTAIL", said Dark Lord screeched loudly, his thunderous voice echoing throughout the halls of his fortress of...eevil.

The pitiful coward sprang up from his curled position on the plush crimson carpeted floor. He flailed over the five feet of distance between him and his lord, then dropped to his knees. Cowering Wormtail peered up to his magnificent master Lord Voldemort with his tiny watery eyes.

"Y-y-yes your Dark Lordliness", the petrified man stammered.

"The grass is growing to fast, I am going to punish you for it", Voldemort pointed accusingly at the stout man-rat, his lip curling in repugnance.

"But I have done n-n-nothing to m-make the grass grow sir… inf-fact I have been shortening it every second day", Wormtail pleaded to his master, his hands held out in desperation.

"It's not short enough, it just keeps growing, now away from me you filthy mammal", Voldemort looked away from his idiot follower. The watery eyed abasement was hurting the dark lords psyche, as he could only tolerate such a pathetic life form's presence in small doses.

"s-s-sir please, p-p-please don't punish m-me", Wormtail sobbed.

Voldemort shook his head in disgust, and snapped his fingers at the sniveling creature forcibly. "Assume the position Wormtail… NOW", Lord Voldemort clapped with gleeful... glee as the short man crawled away from Voldemort. Standing he faced his dark master. Closing his eyes, and breathing in deeply Wormtail opened his pinched little mouth to recite...

_"There once was a man from Kentucky_

_Who felt that he was unlucky_

_He got flogged on the duff_

_And it was all very ruff_

_That poor little man from Kentucky"_

Voldemort shook his head rapidly, "No, no, no Wormtail, you must do a dance as well" His eye's growing big with excitement. "A difficult one…" than he hopped in anticipation of the hilarious debasement ahead, "Oh oh oh, and a cartwheel, do a cartwheel."

The dark lord clapped more and squealed a bit, "Then end with a double back flip… now Wormtail, do it NOW!", Voldemort snapped his fingered and waved his hands at the little man.

Wormtail danced his fat little heart out. He did an Irish Jig, and when that didn't satisfy his master, he did an interpretation of the nutcracker. He Jumped he leaped, he even galloped… Wormtail flamingoed, he polka'd, he even did the onion dance… and finally when the torture was through, he did his cartwheel. Then for the big finale he did an amazing double back flip, finally he ended it with an exhausted bow, and promptly collapsed to the floor, sweat streaming off of his flabby body in… well streams.

"Mediocre at best…" Voldemort clicked his tongue in dissapointment, which is difficult for someone whose tongue is forked. "Richard Simmons would be very disappointed in you Wormtail."

Voldemort glanced and the melting ball of sweaty lard on his plush carpet, rolled his eyes and flippantly shooed him away. "Very well you have been punished adequently…go away, quickly please."

"B-b-bless you my lord", the sentient butter-ball spoke graciously.

"Stop stuttering you stupid insipid rodent", The Dark Lord hissed.

"S-s-sorry your m-m-most intimidatingliness", Wormtail stuttered.

"You are still doing it Wormtail…" Voldemort's hiss growing more pronounced with his rage. "If this continues you will be punished most atrociously…even more devastatingly awful than usual."

"Worse then reciting Limericks while doing choreography", The gelatinous mass gasped in horror.

"Think of this you gaseous gnome thing..." He curled his lipless mouth even more disgustedly. "Reciting Shakespearean prose while running in a giant metal exercise wheel", Voldemort leered evilly at the blubbering goop man.

"Exercise while reciting Shakespear…" Wormtail's widened in absolute terror. "No Mi'lord, anything but that."

The master of Darkness just laughed with evil zeal, as he started to plan his new tormenting device. "It shall be calles the EEEEVILL EXERCISE WHEEL OF DOOOOOM! and other bad things."

"Please don't make me do that your evil cleanliness."

"Then you must not stutter," The pasty evil man demanded. "Deatheaters do not stutter…they strike fear into the hearts of fluffy little bunnies, and they slaughter unicorns and babies, but they never stutter." He glared down at Wormtail, anger flickering in his inhuman red eyes, "You can't make a convincing threat if you always stuttering, Wormtail."

Voldemort started to pace ferociously, as his evil hiss deepened making his word nearly impossible for Wormtail to decipher. "People laugh at stutters, then they throw things. They'll give you demeaning nicknames, and tear up your lovely piece of art work that you made for Agatha Harris."

He beat his fists into the stone wall of his bed chamber. He was paying no mind to Wormtail, who had caught his breath, and was now slowly sneaking out of the room. "The nasty children will put crazy glue on your chair Wormtail, and when it is time for lunch, your pants will be stuck to your CHAIR! People will not FEAR a pasty pale boy with a SPEECH IMPEDIMENT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!" The Dark Lord punched his wall so hard that some of the old stone crumbled, his breathing was heavy, as he tried to regain his composure.

"Yessir...understanding is me mi'lord", Wormtail backed away slowly from the derranged Dark Lord.

"Don't slur your words together like a drunken lunatic, SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH…don't worry Wormtail there is nothing wrong with you," He paused as he thought, "well there is plenty wrong with you, but that has nothing to do with you're speech." Voldemort nodded to himself as he continued speaking to the full on escaping animangus. "Barty Crouch Jr went through a similar thing as you, and look at how he turned out", Voldemort smiled fondly as he thought about his most loyal follower...he deserved a gold star. "Wormtail... could you get Barty Crouch Jr, I'd like to award him for over-coming his adversities."

"I beleive he is Dead you-r-r fluffiness," Wormtail said calmly, not wanting to startle the maniacal future dictator.

"Oh...well that's a shame isn't it...we should all strive to be a little more like Barty Crouch Jr."

"D-D-Dead oh great dark and abnormal one"

"O…never mind him then, go get you deficiencies fixed now Wormtail, you can get Lucius to give you some vocal coaching… and get Belletrix to coach you in evil laughter of DOOOM" Voldemort laughed with incredible evilness, coughed awkwardly, than looked towards his pudding filled minion's retreating form.

"Also can you please tell Snape to get the antiseptic cream, and a good bone growing solution... I may of broken my hand on that traitorous wall!" He shouted loudly, but Wormtail made no gesture of understanding, no nod or salute, he just kept running away.

"Wormtail...wormtail...did you hear me! "Voldemort stared after Wormtail, as the man transformed himself into a rat and scurried into a small mouse hole. "My hand really hurts." Voldemort cradled his bleeding hand as he resumed glowering out the window.

"I hope he remembers to cut the grass", Voldemort pouted dejectedly, as he watched his most resilient and hated enemy grow with it's rich green luster.

"Heh...Dark and Abnormal one...I like the sound of that…" Voldemort gazed out the window as he pondered a fantastical future. "And the DARK and ABNORMAL ONE reaps havoc on all the innocent kittens...ahh" He sighed contently, " I can almost hear all the screaming babies…I lead a most fulfilling lifestyle."

The dark and abnormal one laughed eeevilly to himself.

"I should get a Ferret… and it would give somebody for Wormtail to play with."

_Fin_.

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I hope you found that as enjoyable as I did. This used to be part of a grouping of oneshot things, but now I'm just posting it on it's own... there used to be a lot of mistakes and such, I hope I got most of them... if I didn't sorry. Oh and it was all indented and crap but then that all went away when I uploaded I'm to annoyed to fix it again, so if it's still like that sorry. plz RnR


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